10 Things You Never Want to Hear During Sex

1. “I’m so glad you like me. I was so horny tonight, I would’ve taken a horse home.”

So, you’re a happy chap—you used all of your best pick-up lines to pull the fittest bird in the bar. You even bought her and all her friends those expensive strawberry cocktails they like, and you bugged one of your mates to “take one for the team” and sleep with her slightly unsightly friend. And then, halfway through, you hear that she didn’t need the pick-up lines and expensive drinks. A quick “Wanna screw?” would’ve done the job. You’ve wasted all your money, and she isn’t even that fit. Not something you want to hear.

2. “Wow. Oh, sorry, it’s just my ex was a lot bigger than that.”

Well, finding out you have a small willy is bad enough, but being compared to an ex is the final nail in the coffin. After this has been said, expect to feel fairly disheartened, simultaneously underperforming—all the way home. You might as well just leave, but to win back an ounce of your dignity, make sure you let her know you left your last girlfriend because she too created the experience of throwing a toothpick into a volcano.

3. “Don’t worry, my husband won’t be home for ages.”

Uh-oh. Nice house, nice car, nice woman. The husband is probably a drug baron, a member of the Mafia, or perhaps a Marine. Commence panicking; get the job done and get out of there. Now’s not the time to hold it in.

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4. “It happens to everyone.”

First off, it doesn’t; she knows it doesn’t. Secondly, you know it doesn’t, and it’s certainly never happened to you before, so why is it happening now?! Why did your body wait until you had a perfect 10 in the sack to completely let you down and embarrass you? You just know she’ll tell all her friends in the morning. That’s the last girl you’ll ever pull in this town, and you didn’t even get to do it properly. Try to compensate, or get out while you still can. Good luck.

5. “Your chest is almost as flat as mine.”

This one’s for the girls. Nothing’s worse than being told your boobs are two dimensional before a naked roll-around. If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, quickly and cleverly think of a compliment instead; don’t ruin your chances when you’re so close to success.

6. “You might want to get yourself checked out in the morning.”

The moment is officially ruined. The only thing left to look forward to now is discovering what colorful array of diseases you are now harboring when you visit the clinic the next day. Always cover the captain before you send him in.

7. “Is it in yet?/Should I be able to feel something?”

Well, goodbye confidence. You might as well have shown up with a vagina to bash body parts with. She’s unimpressed, and the chances are, so are the rest of the women you’ve been with. Or will ever be with. Not something you want to hear. Ever.

8. “What was that? It sounded like something just split.”

This refers to that horrific, soul crushing moment when you hear the sound of a condom splitting AFTER you’ve left your donation. Commence pregnancy panics. The future is ruined, you don’t even know her name, and you’ll never be able to go to the pub again. This is not always the end of the world, however; it is worth asking if she is (and hope she is) on the pill. Then there’s always the morning-after pill. Still, not the best way to end a fun evening, and you probably won’t sleep well after that one.

9. “Get off. I’ll do it myself.”

Looks like you weren’t up to the challenge after all. Maybe you’re a novice in the bedroom, or maybe she just needs more than you can give. Either way, being pushed off before things even get started is a low blow. Bad for your self-confidence and, quite frankly, bad for your health.

10. “Everything’s been different since I got my penis removed.”

This one is possibly every straight man’s worst nightmare. Quite the dilemma if you’re already midway through the act; do you climb off, run away, and never speak a word of it to anyone? Or do you accept the situation, lie back, and think of England? Hopefully this is never a decision you have to make. Always be aware though; beer goggles have been known to hide many Adam’s apples.

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